be ok

everyone who knows me is well aware that i used to have a really hard time making friends when i was younger. fortunately i always had someone on my side that i could talk to and hang around with so i wouldn't feel alone, for most of my life it was always her.
it used to be so awful for me to talk to people or even to be aware that i was in a social position where people might talk to me out of the blue and i'd have to come up with something witty to say. i never really trusted myself, i never thought that people would actually and spontaneously want to be my friends. i didn't believe that anyone who had a choice to be anyone else's friend would prefer to be mine instead, and for a very long time no experience had proven this wrong.
when i was about to get into high school though there was a changing experience in my life - i became aware, mostly by talking to people on the internet, where if you don't hit it off with one, then you just never see or talk to them again, that i was actually a bit witty and that some people wanted to be around me just because they enjoyed it.
that was astounding but i got used to it. i didn't become conceited enough that i felt comfortable in all social situations, but within reason i was ok with meeting new people and making new friends, because of that newfound awareness that there were people around who'd want to be my friends, and i had to try and find them. who cared if i failed once or twice, i'd get it right eventually.
high school was great in that sense - in the way in which i met a lot of new people and, by feeling included, i made many of them feel included too. i like to think, sometimes when i'm feeling down, that i may have improved some people's lives by bringing them into mine and by letting myself into theirs.
and i kind of brought that into college with me - the idea that if i talked to people and if i tried to make them feel comfortable around me, that some of them wouldn't mind talking to me and some would actually enjoy my company, and that's how you begin to make friends. so from day one i wasn't scared of people like i had been when i was a little girl and i just introduced myself, started chatting, trying to find the people who would get along with me.
but shit, i've been striking out so badly. i mean i have a fairly high self esteem but when you see everybody else teaming up and you left alone, no matter how hard you try to be included into their groups; when you start to realise that you don't have anything in common with the people who surround you; when you get turned down even by those who are alone, just for trying to start a conversation, just so those ten minutes won't be so lonely - i mean when that starts to happen you start to feel a bit unhappy.
you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, again. and once you ask yourself that there's no going back to before, it kind of hits you in the stomach and... shit man.
when i got home i looked in the mirror just to check whether there was anything written on my forehead about my hating mankind or whatever.
and i do think all those things that they tell you to think in these situations, you know, if they don't like me then i don't like them either, i don't need these kind of relationships, if i don't make friends today i'll make them tomorrow.
thing is, it's not just a week that i'm here, and i can't help but feel overwhelmed and like my behaviour now is going to affect the next few years. i know that i'll find friends eventually like i have so many times in my life, i can join clubs, i can go out to cafés and to the library, to places where my kindred spirits usually are, and i don't have to be friends with the people in my class. i wasn't really looking for friends though, maybe just for someone to share my space with, someone to share some words with, someone to not be alone with. i needn't be their everything, i already have people that i matter to, and there will be more. but i wish i didn't have to feel like this. i wish these first few weeks, months, whatever, wouldn't have to be so hard. i wish i didn't miss my family so much and i wish that my friends from back home were here.
but i know that all of this is going to pass. that the people in my class will eventually know my name and they'll be ok with having me sit near them or whatever. and i know that other people will become my friends, that there will be unexpected things that will happen, and that no matter what happens here, people love me in other places. people think about me in distant places and i think about them, even when we're apart. it's hard to find friends like those and i did.
so really, it's just a rough patch, just another thing that's hard while it's happening, especially when you're already angling towards feeling sad, but once it's passed, it looks like nothing.
it's passing through me now so i'm going to feel sad, there's just no other way. but once it's gone all the way through, i'll be ok again.
so i'm just letting it pass.

my imaginary friend rashid 3

- i feel awful.
- what, again? - rashid asked impatiently.
- i...
- you, really, you just annoy me sometimes. - he looked at me like he didn't know who i was, like i had insulted him somehow with what i had said.
- i'm sorry, i just, i don't feel so good.
- do you ever take the time to think why you feel awful? are you that self-centred that you can't think of anything else but the way that you feel?
- i don't think i'm self-centred. - i didn't expect that reaction from him, who was usually so patient and sympathetic. - i just, i don't control the way i feel. rationally i know it's stupid for me to feel so anxious and so awkward all the time. for me to overanalyse every situation. for me to stay up at night shuffling through my thoughts to find some that don't bother me. but it just happens. sometimes i don't feel that way, sometimes i do, it rarely depends on what happens to me or on what i do.
- you must be some special kind of idiot - he said. i was a bit hurt. then he sort of smiled and looked at me again. - you have everything.
- i know. i know. i have love. i have a home. i have a mind of my own and the freedom to use it. i'm the luckiest person i know. i don't know one person with more reason to be happy than me.
- then why aren't you the happiest person you know? - rashid asked. he looked genuinely curious, like i was a specimen he wanted to study. - you're so lucky.
- i don't know - i said. - the people that i see that are happier than me, they don't have as much to be happy about. they're just simpler people. they don't make everything complicated. they don't worry about every social contact and slight responsibility. they don't overjudge themselves or other people. they don't develop rigid expectations and they aren't as disappointed when they're not met.
- you should have those people as your example - rashid advised. - even with less than you have they enjoy their lives. they enjoy their friends and families and sunny days.
i stopped for a moment. i didn't know what to say.
- i think - i finally said after a while thinking. - i think i rely on being miserable sometimes. i think my hole life i've been digging holes, getting inside them and then crawling back out again. i think i need to be unhappy somehow, i think that's my problem.
- well, i think - rashid cut me off - that you need to stop thinking so much about yourself. no-one else cares that much about you. they don't. they're not supposed to. and neither are you.
- i guess i've always told myself that if i'm not making anyone unhappy, that if the people around me aren't hurt by my existance, that if i do my best to make everyone else feel better, that it's ok, that it doesn't matter how i feel.
- it doesn't. once you stop caring about that, you'll feel better. once you start caring more about everybody else.
- are you sure?
- no.
- it won't do any harm to try though.
- i guess not.
- i hope not - i whispered.
he put his hand on my shoulder.
- just don't cry any more - he asked. - you'll wear yourself dry.

my imaginary friend rashid 2

- it's insane to try to make something of yourself - said rashid, after a long silence.
i didn't say anything because i didn't understand.
- that came out wrong - he added after a little while. - i meant, it's insane to believe that you're only going to be who you want to be if you're who you want to be.
i still didn't understand so i kept quiet, because i knew that rashid always explains when he can see i don't follow.
- many people, they convince themselves early on that they have to be a celebrity singer or a neurologist or a famous actor - he exemplified - and then they live their lives disappointed when they become dentists and shop owners.
- so? - i finally asked. - facts of life.
- well me i never thought that way. i've wanted to be things before but never in a way that if i didn't become that, i'd feel unaccomplished. my life would be grand just the same if i was something else.
- i've always aspired - i whispered - to be gloriously happy.
- don't we all.
- i don't think everyone aspires to be happy - i confessed. - i think a lot of people secretely desire drama, war, perils to overcome and long dark nights to cry over. me, i think i could be happy with a life that was just full of the kind of happiness you feel in warm afternoons in the fall, when the living room is full of a yellow-orange sunshine and you have a book and your love.
- well, if you put it that way, then most people don't aspire to be happy.
- i'm very proud that i can adapt to my fantasies and aspirations as they change - i said. - that's why i'm so happy. when i look back at the roads i could have followed but didn't, i don't feel sad. i guess i know that i could have been a chemist or an architect and that now i won't get the chance, but that doesn't cause me any pain. and whatever i become in the future, i'll be happy as long as i get to be myself, as long as i have a creative home and a loving heart.
- that's the only thing that matters - rashid agreed. - a loving home and a creative heart.
- however you put it - i said. - however you put it, those are the things that matter.

my imaginary friend rashid 1

- sometimes (most of the time) - i told rashid - i get the very specific feeling that i'm on a steady downward slope of losing all of my talents and ambitions.
- that's normal - he said - when i was young i could spit really far away and do a lot of acrobatic stunts and now i don't even spit at all because i think it's gross and i can barely control my body enough to hold on to the majority of objects.
- it's not really that simple though - i answered, after considering what he had said - i think most people improve throughout their lives rather than deteriorate. i think they find better things in themselves, ethically, practically and intelectually. me i think i'm getting worse at everything.
- i doubt that.
- well you don't even know me. i haven't even gotten better at being a good person which i thought was my talent. i'm getting progressively worse at loving and forgiving people. sometimes i feel this kind of hatred that i thought i'd never feel for people that i'm not supposed to hate.
- like your parents?
- well, not my parents, but my friends sometimes.
- that's awful.
- i know.
rashid seemed to ponder what i'd said, i looked at his face and maybe he was wondering if i had ever hated him at all.
- it might be your age.
- how do you mean.
- well do you ever hear how teenagers are these horrible beings made of dirty emotions?
- yes.
- i know a lot of teenagers, especially myself, and i've come to believe it's true.
- i wish i could think that - i consented - that the way that i feel, angry and bitter, sometimes, could be my age. but aren't we supposed to be golden now? to be full of love and adventure? i think all i do is make wrong decisions, even when i'm desperately trying to do right.
again rashid thought deeply about what i meant, while he looked at the sun over the ocean. then he said:
- what i think - he said - is that we're always going to regret everything we do. i think even the right decisions we're going to regret because there were others we could have made that would have been better. i think we're never going to do right by anyone, especially not by ourselves.
- i think i'm scared - i said - i think i'm terrified all the time, of everything.
- that's awful.
- i know.
- no, i mean, that's terrible. that's really awful.
- i know.
- you shouldn't feel that way.
i paused.
- i know.
- i think my biggest fear - he said - is that i'll lose the people i love. so i'm always scared like that. i'm always making sure that everyone is wearing a seat belt in the car. sometimes (most of the time) i sit and i look like i'm thinking about something important but i'm actually wondering if everyone is ok.
- i do that too. i know you feel bad but it's best just to keep distracted.
we both were quiet for a little while and then he said:
- sometimes what i really think about - he closed his eyes for a second - is that it doesn't really matter how you or i feel you know? we can feel whatever we want because it's so insignificant if we feel happy or sad or nervous or afraid in this world. as long as the people around us are happy and we are not doing anything to hurt their situation, why bother with anything else?
- you're right - i agreed.
the sun set over the ocean and we both went home.

PLEASE

I MIGHT HAVE, FINALLY
FOUND SOMETHING
THAT I REALLY DO FEEL.


i might have finally found something that i really do feel.
something that is true in myself
something that is true in myself
something that has always existed in me and suddenly awoke and it's biting at me in this painful delicious way
something i've been looking for all this time and always thinking i already had it
something i've got aching in my chest begging me to break out of my skin and just burst into beautiful winged flames.

i can't lose it now.
so please hold on.

só quer a vida cheia quem teve a vida parada

i hate reading through my e-mail folders because most of my e-mails are so sad.
it's like i've hidden the feelings i felt when i wrote them or got them inside them and by reading them i'm unleashing them back into myself and i feel miserable about something that happened 2 or 3 or 4 years ago that i was telling AJ about some morning.

but that's over, so over that AJ is going to war and i hardly remember what i was going on about and why it was so important to me, when now AJ is going to war and no-one cares what i felt then, especially not him. either way i read those words with a bunch of spelling mistakes that i wrote back in 8th grade and they make me feel so sad that at that point in my life i felt so sad.

i guess i've been nostalgic a bit over a bunch of things, maybe it's ending high school this year that makes me look back on what i've been doing and overall i'd say it's been good things - i made a bunch of new friends over the course of the past three years but then, when i rethink it, i realise that i haven't done a very good job at keeping most of the old ones close.

when i think about it it's about what i've accomplished or not, not what's on paper. on paper i've got all of my dumb writings that i'm so fucking proud of the instant i write them and two weeks later i want to toss them out the window, which is i why i can't write anything that takes longer than three or four days to get done with. on paper i've got a bunch of certificates saying i can speak and write proper english that i paid a buttload of money to show i deserved - why did i do that though?

so i've been nostalgic, about shurtugal i guess, how excited i was about life back then, about everything that was coming up and all the friends i'd managed to harvest from across the globe - the most morbid part of me says that half of them could have died in a schoolbus accident with a crocodile and i still wouldn't have found out about it, no matter how close i thought we were back then and how much we shared. in the end our relationship existed briefly and thinly across that veil of time way back when i sat at my pc in the summer and wondered what it'd be like to just walk out the door and talk to someone i'd never met before out of the blue and meet the love of my life.

that's not how things go for most people though, and they didn't go like that for me because i'd go out with my book and my satchel and i sat in the grass at the park wondering about the boys and girls surrounding me and whether we'd start talking and find beautiful amazing things to share, but i never found the guts to actually walk up to them, story of my life though.

i pretend i'm so corageous and i can talk to anyone anytime but the truth is i'm terrified half the time when i do things, the rest of the time i'm asleep.

nonetheless i know i've had my beautiful moments, i've kissed the boy of my dreams in the rain and i've ran splashing into the ocean and i've rolled around in snow and i've almost suffocated from laughing a bunch of times with some spectacular friendships.

really it's about moments you've accomplished, not what comes before or after that because in the future you aren't going to remember the intervals, sad or happy, that come between the more striking parts. or you probably aren't going to.

so i'll just wear my high-heeled shoes for dancing in the streets, the pain that comes later on my heels i can handle because no-one will ever take those instants of freedom from me.

the blue mosque

i'd say one of the truest experiences i've ever felt in my life was inside the blue mosque while i was in istanbul.
i know many of my travel mates didn't understand why i did what i did and i'm happy that most of them didn't see it at all, but it was out of my hands, what happened in the mosque.
i felt so pure, like i had been thrown so deep into other people's prayers and hopes and dreams that i would never be pulled out.
he understood it, never asked a question, we never even talked about it, because we never needed to - i know that he knew exactly what i was feeling and that it was a good, beautiful thing that happened in there.
it really was.