why didn't you go to school?

beware people of the United States
that's you, lupe and sophia, no matter how much you want to deny it at times (i'm kidding)
remember the whole omg the portuguese school system is awesome blah blah blah
well i withdraw everything i ever said on the subject.

i'm tired! screw you, school!

we've got to carry each other

something deeply touched me a couple of weeks ago when i was watching a documentary on SIC with my mother about the orphans of AIDS in Angola and Mozambique.
there was this boy, like 18 or something, who was taking care of his 3 younger siblings completely on his own since his mother had died when he was around 14. he had built the house they lived in, he searched for/bought their food and cooked it and took care of each one of them. the only thing they owned was the shed that he had built for them to live in, and they didn't even own the land it was built on.

however, at the end of the documentary, the reporter asked him:
"so, what do you need?" (what are you lacking?) (what would you like to have?)
i expected any answer aside from that gorgeous, brave, fierce smile and
"nothing"
he hesitated
"maybe just--"
but then he smiled again
"nothing, really. everything's well. we're all-- well."

he doesn't need anything.
what?

many people might say at this point how much they wished that everyone in the world could feel that way, like they didn't need anything else and everything was ok.
but i think i'd rather wish for the fact that someday everyone in the world will be able to feel awful over petty things and want really pointless, meaningless STUFF and clutter, because then we'd at least be sure that we all have what we really need.

keep the story funny

poetry can be really elusive to write
but some days i can almost feel like

i gotcha down, poetry ; D

there's gotta be more to life

astronomy and quantum physics really scare and intimidate me.
space and time don't exist, the idea of negative space separating particles is but a construct, everything is connected and intertwined since the big bang and everything that has a possibility of happening will happen unless you verify its occurrence.

everything is in an indefinite place of existence and is at the same time in every possible existence at the same time until verification.

PSYCHOTIC.

but i was watching "What the Bleep?! Down the Rabbithole" yesterday (i haven't finished watching it yet so no spoilers) and they mentioned how frightening some physicians' vision of intelligent life forming on earth as an accident and a lonely abnormality in a lonely universe is so deprecating to, well, everyone, and how it can totally deteriorate your vision of yourself.
it's much better to think of everything as one, of yourself as a part of jupiter and the milky way and your next door neighbour - you as a part of everything and everything a part of an unknown total.

that makes me feel a bit better.

superficialness

so charlie said that my post about scarlett johansson might make him seem superficial and the kind of guy who only likes blondes, which is false.
so to counter the earlier scarlett johansson post, here are the guys i drool over at the movies:

adrien brody, because he's just so charming and-- and charming.

dev patel*, he looks so sweet.

ewan mcgregor* (who didn't sigh with moulin rouge? even though personally i prefer ewan on a motorcycle riding across africa)

jude law*! especially in sky captain.
and of course...

hugh jackman*.

i have marked with an asterisk the ones with smexy accents.

as you can see, he has a lot more to put up with than I do.

what did you do today?

i love being his girlfriend.
it might just be the best thing that's happened to me -- meeting him, and all the adventure that's followed and that we've had together, living like teenagers ought to live, dancing and running and creating things together that we're going to remember and cherish no matter how things turn out in the future.

i love it, i do, i'm not being ungrateful or anything, i know that i have something really special, that i have what i looked for and waited for for what seemed like ages.

i love being his girlfriend but it scares me how easily that becomes my whole identity. how easily other people associate me with him to describe my personality as a whole. how easily it is that i stop being "my friend marta" and start becoming "my friend carlos' girlfriend". i guess i blend in and he stands out, or maybe he connects with people easier than i do -- well, he does. he's more outgoing than i am and makes friends a lot faster, it's like it's natural in him to make people feel confortable and welcome around him.
i had gotten used to the fact that most of my friends these days had begun to think of me like that, like an appendage to their real friend, and it was, well, kind of ok. i guess i came to terms with it. but i was happy that i still had my old friends from 9th grade to whom i was still my independent self, someone with a unique personality that only belong to me -- with them, i could still be the person i really am, without being attached to someone else.

but now i think even they might...
eh
i love that he's friends with my friends.
and i know it's a really weird point, the one i'm trying to make.
i guess i just wish we could still be separate people even though we're together, but i suppose one of us has to blend into the other in order for things to work.
and if this is what i need to do and to be in order to be with him and have all that he gives me, i don't care about it, after all i still have my friends, i'm just not as vibrant as i used to be to them.
i don't know if i ever was.
if i was, would i be this easily...
...blended?

no-one here wants to fight me like you do

LET'S FIGHT.
seriously, let's fight. some days i wake up and all i want is some yelling, well-constructed arguments, backward attacks. i want to make you think about why you made a certain decision and make you come to the conclusion that you had it all wrong in the first place. some days i am the most confrontational person on the planet.

no, i don't love fighting for the sake of the make-up, as some romantics love to say -- we all know that people who say that are really non-confrontational and they don't want to admit it. personally i don't think it's a bad thing that you want to avoid conflict, it's actually a very good trait that i can take pride in having some times.

but some
days
i just...
i guess i don't have as much self-control as i like to think i do.
when i'm in a crappy mood, i fight, it's what i do, i take any little thing i can find and i pick and pick at it until i make the person i'm trying to tick off explode.
...it really doesn't make me feel any better but it makes my anger really happy, and that's the best you can hope for at that point.

so i'd like a cheer for everyone who puts up with me even when i'm in those awful moods that have nothing to do with my menstruation no matter what my guy friends tell you.
seriously, i'd have like 6 periods a month if that were the case.

i love you guys.
so won't you fight me sometimes?